I’ve been dreading this week for a while and it has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. It has to do with some things that I expected to happen this week that didn’t. In fact, each day this week, I’ve heard these negative voices ringing in my head (I admit, it might be hormones talking to me). They told me I have no value… I’m not skilled… I don’t have enough knowledge… I’m not liked… I’m not pregnant… I’m not this or that. Of course this is not the first time I’ve had these thoughts. Do you remember this post on identity? These voices are so annoying, and yet a majority of the time I do the horrible thing of suppressing them. To quiet these voices this week, I didn’t air them to a trustworthy friend or go to God (like I know I should), I went and baked. (Something I thought I was good at, oh but just you wait. These strawberry Nutellla cake bombs are called bombs for a reason!)
Baking in itself is not bad, but when I’m numbing my pain by any means other than approaching God or Godly people for His wisdom, I am doing myself and others a disservice.
I’m hurting myself by not releasing the pain like a balloon in the wind. I’m hurting myself by not going back to the truth of what God says about me. I’m also hurting others indirectly, because when I bottle up my feelings I explode on the people I love the most. I can’t be the best Wife if I’m full of garbage… I certainly can’t love anyone well when I’m an internal mess. But alas, without even realizing I had been doing so, today I came to the realization I had all of these pent-up, negative emotions about the things going on around me.
Like everything else exploding around me this week to my own demise, it is fitting that my attempt to bake these Strawberry Nutella Cake Balls turned out tasting yummy but looking disastrous. To make matters worse, I promised some of my favorite people on the interwebs I would send them some treats in the mail this week. Oh boy! Maybe this was God’s subtle and funny way of reminding me that I can’t do it all. In my attempt to live transparently, I’m posting photos of these Nutella Cake Bombs. I’m sorry to disappoint, but there will be no recipe until I get some classes on how to dip them properly. (Who wants to try a recipe on a post about failure anyway?!) I surrender and admit, these need sooo much help when it comes to presentation. They taste oh so incredible and very Valentineish, but looking at them I know they aren’t living up to their full potential.So why am I posting? Because I want to release this pain of perfection that everything, including my cake balls, didn’t turn out at all like I expected.
I want you to know that there are bombs that go off in all of our lives, whether you notice them or not.
I’m normal. I mess up. I have feelings of inadequacy that you don’t get in the perfect dinner post. The important thing to remember about feelings is that they are like balloons whether they are good or bad, little or huge, they are meant to be released. If you don’t have people you can trust, I encourage you to try to make some new “friends”. Telling people you trust and love helps you feel heard, which in turn helps you feel valued. Ahhhh Telling God about your feelings reinforces your belief and submission to the One who knows and controls it all. The combination of talking to God and trustworthy friends gives you knowledge and wisdom and peace. I don’t know of anything better than those two gifts.